It's not my fault part 2

This is the 2nd part of my Personal Accountability In Society blog. This section will be more focused on personal relationships and career choices. The main emphasis will be on how little responsibility we take for our decisions and the paths we have chosen for ourselves.


Before I get started the first thing I would like to share with you is an excerpt from a book called How To Win Friends And Influence People. If you've never read it, go to half price books or get online and purchase it. It is a phenomenal book that will help change your perspective on life. Now the reason I am putting this in my blog is to show you that even with as self absorbed and self involved we are in society now, accountability has ALWAYS been an issue no matter what generation. It just seems to be a growing epidemic today as more people are facebooking, tweeting, and blogging (cough..). We're the LOOK AT ME generation. The thing I'm hoping to change is how often we look at OURSELVES and how DEEPLY we do it. So read this little section as a lead into a look at our personal lives.

Dutch Crowley was know as a "cop killer" who would "kill at the drop of a feather." One day he was necking a girl in a car and a policeman walked up to the parked car and said, "Let me see your license." Without saying a word, Crowley drew his gun and cut the policeman down with a shower of lead. Then he grabbed the officer's gun and shot him again. Crowley later wrote, "Under my heart is a weary heart, but a kind one - one that would do nobody any harm."

Crowley was sentenced to the electric chair. When he arrived at the death house in Sing Sing, did he say, "This is what I get for killing people?" No, he said, "This is what I get for defending myself." Crowley didn't blame himself for anything.

Now when I first read that in the book I thought how can someone really be that disillusioned with what kind of person they are. It blew my mind. Here was a guy that KILLED people and he thinks he's a gentle soul? The story continues with an interview with the Warden of Sing Sing prison. He goes on to say how every inmate in there (prison) thinks they're an alright guy that was just dealt a bad hand in life.

Ok, so think about this for a minute. These guys broke the law whether it was theft, assault, rape, or even murder, and they think they were just dealt a bad hand?! How insane is that? I know these are extreme cases, but think about your life and those around you. How many of us have that friend that claims to be anti-drama all the while surrounding themselves with all the 90210 soap opera drama they can find? Or the person that thinks they are a laid back go with the flow kind of person, while having an itinerary for every minute of their vacation? Now while those examples are more of self perception then accountability, they do set the tone for the misguided perception of their responsibility for their lives.

How many of us have had a "bad string of luck?" God knows I have. During the last 15 months of my "bad luck", I have wanted to blame so many of the outside factors completely for it. While admittedly outside factors do play a part, you can't downplay your role in your actions and your state of being. While initially I was going to give outside examples I figured that would be a perfect example of pointing at everyone but me. So I'm going to share a little known failure of mine. I have been embarrassed about this for years and keeping it quiet has kept me from facing it on a larger scale. The purpose of this blog today is to get you to look at your life and take responsibility for your problems. Why should I have to do anything less? So here is one of my biggest failures brought to light to prove to you my dedication to improving myself.

I had an excellent position with a group of guys I cared the world for. I was making good money, and enjoyed the people I worked with. The owners had been dangling a carrot in my face for almost 2yrs about a partnership with their newest club. The club was set to open shortly. Well, when the time came they offered it to someone else seemingly out of nowhere. I was deeply hurt and disappointed. I thought how could they do that to me? I had worked so hard for that opportunity! Shortly after that two coworkers approached me about opening a club with them and leaving where I was at. I got to talking with them and they filled me in to some of the things happening backstage with the owners. After hearing all that they had to say and adding to that my own hurt feelings over what I felt was a low blow move I decided I was in. When word got out to the owners that we had purchased a franchise they fired me. I was pissed! Mainly because they didn't fire the other two people! They owners blamed me for the whole thing. They tagged me as the "ring leader". They stated that something of this scale was beyond my coworkers experience and courage. The two coworkers never spoke up for me either. They let the owners think I had approached them. To top it off, several months later those two coworkers teamed up with a client from the club and opened two clubs of their own. Now the owners and I have reconciled to a somewhat shaky friendship, and I've never spoke to the other two people since. But I lost a tremendous opportunity and the owners ended up losing their three best producers. Not-to-mention all of our friendships were ruined.

Now, I could totally blame everyone involved. Hell, I even did for a long time afterward. I won't lie I even get irritated when I think about it today and that was over 3yrs ago. The one thing I have come to view differently with what happened was the role I played in it. I never had to take that risk and gamble. Had I communicated my hurt feelings to the owners I would have learned they were giving me a percentage in the next club. I would have learned why they decided to hold off on doing it till another club. I let my wounded pride get in my way and I made an impulsive decision based on it. I trusted two people that were in a position to lose a lot less then me. No matter what everyone's role in how things played out it was MY fault for making the initial decisions that set the ball rolling. I can't blame the owners for acting out of hurt feelings when they learned we were leaving them. I can't blame the coworkers for keeping their mouths shut after seeing what happened to me. They protected themselves by letting me take the blame, they kept their jobs and even got better pay. No one's actions were right in the whole fiasco, but I have to be accountable and take responsibility for my role in the part I played.

I've watched friends blame their jobs on everyone but themselves. I've watched relationships go down the drain, and of course it's all the other persons fault. I hear people (and I've said it myself) say "I can't win for losing." When really the reason we keep losing is because we fail to own up to our actions. No one wants to admit the reason their in a terrible relationship, or career is their fault. Mainly because if it's our own fault then we can't pass the buck. It also means that we're to blame for our misfortune, and misery. We also have to realize that it's up to us to make it better, not some lucky lotto ticket, or magic beans, or greener pastures, but us. So maybe it's time to start setting an example, and pull ourselves out of the mud. I know I want to show my son that even though his father makes mistakes, he OWNS up to them and does what needs to be done to correct them or better yet not repeat them.

If you're relationships are always ending the same way, maybe it's not the other people. Eventually you have to realize you're the common denominator in the equation. Don't be afraid to take a look at you and how you contributed to the downgrade of those relationships. If you have a failing business or it's struggling, maybe it's not the loser employees you hire and fire over and over. Maybe it's your inability to take the blame for making the same mistakes over and over. Take your EGO out of the equation. You are the only one making the decisions that rule your life and it's quality. I'd be a hypocrite to not point out that I am as guilty as the next, but I will say I try to not repeat the same mistakes. I'd rather fail in new and creative ways then to go down the roads I already know fail.

So my challenge to you the readers is to ask you to step back from your ego and pride for a little bit and take a look at a few aspects of your life. Think of a friendship that went south and examine your part in it. Look at the last relationship that ended badly. Look at a business decision that didn't pan out. Are these things fixable? If they are, how could the acknowledgment of your errors change it? If they aren't fixable, then how can your habits be changed so you don't repeat them in the next one? Think about this and the brave of you will move forward and try to mend bridges and make moves to improve your situations. Those few of you that willingly take accountability for your actions and your place in your life will work to fix it. When you start doing it you will undoubtedly find it hard, but remember that you will be moving towards a brighter spot in your life.

I will leave you with two short bits of advice that I have tried to use as basic philosophies in my life. My 8th grade social studies teacher used to tell us "he who trips over the same rock twice deserves to break his neck."

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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.


I wish you all luck on a journey that will be difficult, but rewarding. If this could mend even one friendship for you, improve your relationships, or even just make your workday better then I have accomplished what I set out to do.


Your feedback or stories are always welcome, and as always puppets DANCE!

Mr. J

"It's a sad day when you find out that it's not accident, or time, or fortune, but just yourself that kept things from you." Lillian Hellman